Grief

I lost my dear brother, Lamonte, three weeks ago to a massive heart attack at the age of 38 years old.  I am finally at a point where I have somewhat accepted it. Or either I just realized there is nothing I can do to change the fact that he is gone. The funny thing about death is that we all know that everything that is living must die, but that doesn't make the pain any easier.  I have never felt sorrow like this before and I have never hurt like this before.  It is an emotional pain that hurts physically.  I really feel at times like I am trying to breathe under water.  It’s suffocating.  I feel as though I have been changed on the inside, never to return to the carefree person I was before. I have had to find a new way of existing. Lamonte is always on my mind or not far from it.  Through this journey I have learned several things about grief that I would like to share:

1.     Everyone grieves differently.  Some get angry, others withdraw, others are expressive in their grief.  There is no cookie cutter way to handle it.  Grief handles you.

2.     Grief makes people uncomfortable.  It’s like they think that grief is contagious.  I have had friends who have totally ignored my pain and continue on as though nothing ever happened.  Which is okay because honestly this pain is not happening to them. I’m sure others just don’t want to say anything to set me off into a crying frenzy.  Truth of the matter is that it’s awkward any way you look at it. It’s awkward to me to not mention my grief as much as it’s awkward to you to mention my grief and witness my pained expression and tears. Plus, it feels good to know that you are acknowledging a significant part of who I am right now. And on top of all of that, ignoring it is pointless because I think about everything like a record stuck on replay.  I think about us growing up. The laughter and even the fights.  I think about our last conversation.  Reread our last texts.  I think about where I was when my dad called me with the news. I think about how he looked lying in the casket.  I think about how my mom looked touching him for the last time at the funeral home. I think about it all. His wife, his kids.  Everything...constantly.

3.     I often wonder if people really want the truth when they ask how I’m doing.  The truth is not pretty and it will make you uncomfortable and/or sad so don’t ask unless you really want to know. I have however, come up with a generic response for those who I know can’t handle the truth and who are just asking to be polite. At least they are kind enough to ask.

4.     I’ve become a great actress.  I can fake it like you wouldn’t believe.  If you look at me you won’t see a despondent Shanita.  Nobody likes a Debbie Downer after all. I've learned how to look the part.  I laugh at jokes, I even make jokes. I listen during meetings. I smile when appropriate.

5.     People say the darndest things to people who are grieving. I’d like to think these comments are coming from a good place. But I have wanted to roll my eyes at a few people. "You should get on some anti-depressants." "At least he died quickly." or my personal favorite "Was he on drugs?" are just a couple of the off the cuff comments I've had to endure. The only words I am able to take comfort in are scriptures.  Scriptures...not clichés. "The Lord works in mysterious ways" is not a scripture. "Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4 is a scripture. One helps, the other is just annoying.

 

6.     The world is just a little bit scarier. Almost like I've been living in a nice little bubble free from the injustices of this life only for that bubble to pop and leave me exposed to all the not so good stuff. I want my bubble back!

I know that the pain will ease and that life must go on. People have been losing loved ones for years.  I'm not the first nor will I be the last.  But right now my heart hurts as I struggle to find my new normal. 

Family Fun

We were blessed to have my in-laws, Lois & Willard visit this weekend! They have actually been in Texas all week (from Kansas City) but the majority of the week was spent in San Antonio visiting great grandma Lofton who is 96 years old!

Anyway, they tried to sneak away on Saturday morning but the boys and I hit them hard and heavy with the guilt trip and they lovingly decided to stay until Monday morning! So I was on a mission to make their stay worth it! And what better way to do that than with food! We also enjoyed a little shopping and perusing of classic cars and such but mostly we ate and ate till we were full as a tick! I even showed them my friends house that she recently put on the market in hopes that they would buy it and move down here to the great state of Texas....it didn't work! At any rate, I loved every minute of our eating adventure even though we are all an easy five pounds heavier once the weekend was over!

We tried to introduce them to places original to Texas and I think we did a pretty good job especially since Lois has a pretty picky palate!







First on our list was Hoffbrau Steaks. I really enjoyed my meal (but I was starving by the time we made it there) and so did the boys! Lois claimed that she's had better ribs.... But she's a bit biased by her love for Kansas City BBQ! Willard was presented with some severely overdone potato skins but they replaced them with a more acceptable batch once he bit into them and they crumbled into pieces! And, the fried pickles were so salty that you could only eat a couple before you felt your blood pressure shoot through the roof!

The next morning, my plan was to fill their bellies so full that they couldn't bear to travel all the way back to KC! So we had breakfast at Ol' South Pancake House! The pancakes were so friggin' thick that they literally blew up in your belly! I of course stuck with my Dutch Babies! My plan worked and after breakfast they decided that they would stay for another night or two!






After a 6 hour break for our digestive systems...Next on our list was Buttons Restaurant. This place is southern soul food at it's finest. Every dish was delicious. From the fried green tomatoes to the chicken and waffles and shrimp,fish and grits! Even the boys cleaned their plates! This meal was a home run and we almost did a repeat the next day it was so good!





We scarfed down donuts and kolaches for breakfast Sunday morning and got our praise on at church. I haven't been to church in quite a while due to my work schedule so I was especially blessed during service. It was one of those sermons where you felt like the pastor was talking to you and you only! Geez!








Finally, on our Texas style eating adventure we had lunch at Risky's Barbeque! I wasn't as impressed with anything except the brisket and baked potato that Terrance had. Everything else was just okay! Of course Lois thought she proved her point that Kansas City BBQ kicks Texas BBQ butt! I wouldn't know because BBQ is not one of my favorite dishes! By this time...our bellies were mounting a revolt against food! We all agreed that maybe we should have headed straight home and eaten leftovers from Buttons!

All in all, our weekend eating adventure/family fun time was awesome. I love being able to punt my parenting duties off to the grandparents! It kind of sux not being around extended family and we are always a bit saddened when they leave! But life must go on and it was fun while it lasted!


With Love,
Shanita

Love On Top

Apparently the world is in a buzz over Beyonce revealing that she is now expecting her first baby with Rap mogul Jay-Z during her performance on the VMA music awards! I must say that despite my personal issues with the two... I was giddy! Looking at Jay-Z's face light up with happiness and pride almost made me tear up a bit!


I even had flash backs about how Terrance and I felt when we were expecting each of our boys! The immediate love and attachment you feel to your unborn child is unlike any other feeling in the world. It's so amazing it can't be described with words. I must admit that a big part of my excitement is that I have a special place in my heart for black love and marriage. I know. I know. I should celebrate love no matter where it's found especially in the times we are living in, but I'll be honest and say that I feel a sense of pride and connection when I witness black love. There, I said it. It is what it is. There are not very many positive examples of black families out there so when I see it... I embrace it. We have The Obamas and Will & Jada but I can't think of many more with the clout that Beyonce and Jay-Z have so I will celebrate with them like she's my 'sista from another mista'!

Kansas City vs My Waistline

I neglected to share on my blog that I've joined Weight Watchers Online.  I have good weeks and bad weeks.  The good weeks come when I follow the program like its meant to be followed.  The bad weeks come when I give in to my food cravings. It's really not rocket science. Just something about Chick-fil-A that I can't say no to!  Anyway, there is a point to this story....

We have been in Kansas City spending time with the in-laws and although I love spending time with my husbands family...seriously...they are awesome (even my crazy sister in law) but all of this family bonding has wreaked havoc on my waist line.

Here's a rundown of this weeks menu:

Monday: homemade chili and sloppy joes

 I didn't have any of the chili but Terrance claims that it was delish!

Tuesday:  Uncle Bubba's Hot Wings and Mac & Cheese along with homemade cinnamon rolls, compliments of  my mom in law, Lois

Grandma was even patient enough to let Evan help prepare the cinnamon rolls



and help cut them

Scrumptious!



Wednesday: Meatloaf and mashed potatoes and Parmesan crusted asparagus (recipe via my good pal Gretch...see everyone is trying to sabotage my diet)

we turned perfectly healthy asparagus into...

this amazing cheesy asparagus delight



Thursday: Godfather's Pizza and I even whipped up a strawberry cake at Ian's request

Don't I look like I know what I'm doing...

Lois dropped one of the layers during the transfer and attempted to repair it...it was too funny!  We both screamed like the world was coming to an end and everyone came running to see what the hullabaloo was about. We ended up eating the crumpled cake anyway, sans icing, and it was scrumptious!

Friday: smothered pork chops, mashed potatoes, green beans, rolls

I suppose I'll get back on track once we make it back to Texas!  I have no choice...the weight is getting out of control!  I really want to live at least half a decade longer or more and at the rate I'm going....it ain't gonna happen! It's all about self control (which I have a lack of)! So wish me luck!

Winter Weather Advisory

Evan just pelted Ian in the back with a snow ball!

Well, we have been under a winter weather advisory here in DFW.  We all know that a little snow and ice makes us Texans nervous and we start shutting the city down.  On Monday we hit 60 degrees during the day and overnight we were snowed in.  Gotta love it! We have been stuck here in the house for two days and I'm loving it but my husband is restless and has come down with a bad case of cabin fever.  He has risked life and limb for any reason to get out of the house including reasons like "I need to go to the Pawn Shop"  Are you kidding?  What could possibly be so important at a stinkin pawn shop?! When he's not putting his life in danger... he's out in the garage working on his mistress car: Candy, bundled up in two pairs of pants, hats, gloves and triple jackets trying to keep warm. Seriously!! We really aren't bad company... geez! Well, he did get to indulge in a couple of snowball fights with the boys, and he cooked some yummy meals and we watched a ton of movies so it hasn't been all bad!

Check out this fancy foot work while Ian tries to escape Evans vicious snow ball attack!

Mommy, It's cold out here! (I am behind the glass door taking pictures because I'm the only one with a lick of sense in this house)

Get him boys!

The Uncertainty of Motherhood

A friend of a friend of mine is on the fence about having children. She said that it’s the unexpected that is the scary part. It’s kind of hard to sacrifice what you know of as a good life for what’s uncertain.

I mean with kids you have to deal with spit up down your blouse, floating turds that disintegrate in the bath water, stretch marks, hormonal shifts that cause horrible acne and mood swings, the fear of a raising a snotty nosed brat instead of an angelic Gerber baby, birthing a kid that’s not cute (let’s face it…not everyone can be beautiful), the feeling of being needed ALL the time, feeling tired and overwhelmed, back strain from that doggone overstuffed diaper bag and infant carrier, the nagging worry that’s always in the back of your mind about whether or not you’re doing a good job with this whole parenting thing, nursery rhymes in heavy rotation on your iPod, play dates instead of spa dates, the strain of kids on a marriage, the possibility of having a kid with a personality that's just hard to raise, not to even mention if you have a kid with a disability or illness.

But think about all of the wonderful things that come with motherhood despite the uncertainty. The smell of the crook of your kids neck (after a bath to remove the sweat and spit up), watching your mini-me grow up and discover new things, feeling loved and needed by your children, the joy of watching a kid be a kid, feeling a love like you’ve never known could exist (I have never had the desire to lay down my life for anyone until I had kids…I would allow myself to be paralyzed from the neck down for my husband and I would risk a limb for a friend but I would DIE for my children!), looking into the eyes of a human being that you helped create…it’s surreal, knowing that when you are dead and gone, you have left a little something on this earth besides debt, unselfishly thinking of someone other than yourself, taking pride in the fact that you have had a hand in shaping your child's future, knowing that you've done your part to ensure that the human race will continue on, experiencing things through the eyes of a child (whoulda thunk that blowing bubbles could be so darn funny), feeling a pride in your DNA creation (that's why there are so many facebook profiles featuring pictures of their kids), Let's face it, it may be super fun to be childless when you are younger, but when you are old and gray who else will be there for you to listen to your stories of way back when and who will fight for you when the nursing home aides forget to bathe you or clean your dentures....you guessed it, your offspring (ok, maybe that last example was a stretch, but you get my point).

Of course whether to have children or not depends on lots of other factors as well.  I guess you just have to do some soul searching and have a little one on one time with God to really make the right decision in order to live a life without regrets.  Don't get me wrong, I think that you have to really want kids in order to be able to withstand all the uncertainty that parenthood can bring. I guess the point is that like all relationships, there are ups and downs and you just have to put on your big girl panties and make it through the hard times because the good times are oh so sweet!

Surrounded

I have a house full of in-laws....I am surrounded by love.

I have two healthy children all revved up on a sugar high and lack of sleep....I am surrounded by love.

I have a fridge full of yummy leftovers which means I don't have to cook....I am surrounded by love.

I have trash bins overflowing with Christmas wrapping paper and boxes....I am surrounded by love.

I am constantly stepping on my kids toys and I have a headache from listening to them play video games....I am surrounded by love.

My cheeks hurt from listening to my bro in law tell stories about my husband growing up....I am surrounded by love.

I can sit back and let my mom in law discipline my kids so I don't have to be the bad guy....I am surrounded by love.

My kids have had five days to enjoy their extended relatives and get a chance to learn the importance of family....I am surrounded by love.

I hope all of you have had a holiday as wonderful as mine. Whether it's a house jam packed with family or an intimate holiday for two. Make sure you make the effort to surround yourself with love!

Sovereign

It’s been a rough couple of days here in our house.  Frustrations mounting, stress consuming, yada yada yada.  To add insult to injury (for lack of a better term)  yesterday my car died in the pick up line at Evan’s school.  Umm…frustrating and embarrassing.  The boys were in the backseat yelling, “mommy I gotta go potty! and mommy, I’m hungry!”  I was DONE! Thankfully my good pal Gretch came to the rescue again.  She pulled out some kind of starter thingy and we she hooked it up to the battery and we got the car started in two seconds.  Amazing!

Anyway, my point to that whole story was that this morning, Terrance suggested I use his truck so he could take the car and do whatever guys do to cars to fix them.  On our way to school, Ian said “Mommy I want to hear Sovereign God”.  I said something about not knowing where that CD was as I turned on the stereo and ….you guessed it….Sovereign God was playing on the CD player.  So I started it from the beginning and listened to Ian scream sing the words to the song.  Well, I decided to listen along and all I can say is, “Thank you, Ian for your request because mommy really needed to hear the words to that song!”

MAURETTE BROWN CLARK SOVEREIGN GOD LYRICS

There aren’t even words to describe just how great You are
In all Your majesty
You continually
Provide for me
There just isn’t anything that You can’t do
Lord I’ve seen Your work before
So I’ll trust you all the more
Because You are

You are the sovereign God
Bigger than all my problems
And every situation
There is nothing too hard
For the sovereign God

A wave of Your hand can command the seas to hold their peace
If you can handle the seas
Then I know that You can deal with all my needs
So I will put every situation
Into Your capable hands
I don’t have to know the plan
Because You are

You are the sovereign God
Bigger than all my problems
And every situation
There is nothing too hard
For the sovereign God

He is able to do exceedingly abundantly
Above all we ask or think
So take all your burdens and lay them at His feet
And watch Him meet the need
We have the victory
Because You are

You are the sovereign God
Bigger than all my problems
And every situation
There is nothing too hard
For the sovereign God
He is sovereign, He is
He is sovereign, He is
(repeat sequence 3 times, inverting each time up to one octave…)

You are the sovereign God
Bigger than all my problems
And every situation
There is nothing too hard
For the sovereign God

Christmas Card 2010

 

created on Shutterfly.

 

I was very impressed with how the cards turned out.  They were printed on card stock so they look and feel pretty professional. They were super easy to create and the prices were reasonable.  The only problem was that I only ordered 25 cards….big mistake. Maybe I should have compiled my card giving list before ordering.  Ya think!?  I had to order extra photo cards from Wal-Mart that had the same picture but weren’t nearly as nice.  However, I ordered them and picked them up in an hour.  How’s that for instant gratification!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Home sweet home

Going back home is always an adventure. My dad is usually the one who makes my trips back home memorable. He's a character. He has property on the outskirts of town that he took over once my grandpa passed away. I typically stay away from the country (that's what we call it). I have a touch of OCD and the clutter out there overwhelms me and the clutter is a whole other story.

Well this trip my hubby decided to visit the country. Why? I have no idea! So we all tagged along and low and behold we caught up with my dad who was feeding his animals, Midnight and Oink. Midnight is his German Shepard/wolf mix dog and Oink is....



Yep, this is my dad's pet hog. He was once a wild hog dropped off in the country by some of our kinfolk. Don't ask! Oink has been around for about 10 years and we don't know how old he was before my dad inherited him.

My dad said that a couple of weeks ago Oink almost went to that big hog pen in the sky. He positioned himself in a whole for a couple of days without eating or drinking. My dad had his brother, Uncle Jimmy, come out with his tractor and dig a grave for him. Words can not express how disturbing it was looking at this grave! Especially when I kept having to yell "Evan, be careful! Don't fall into that grave!"



Needless to say...Oink is still with us. Dad said that he looked over at my uncle digging his grave and he launched himself out of his hole with a new found zeal for life. Amazing.


Isn't he adorable!?

~Shanita~

Pray my strength

My boys have been acting up these past couple of weeks.
This is what it's come down to....



Self help books!



Hopefully I'll find some useful tidbits in one of these books. If not...well, let's just say these books and a lot of prayer are all I have left in my arsenal. I'm really close to putting them on a plane to Kansas City and calling my in-laws to tell them to head to the airport for a nice surprise (they have both retired and I'm sure they need something to do to occupy their time)!



~Shanita~

Halloween recap

I know Halloween is yesterdays news but I had to post a few pics of the boys on their first door to door trick or treat adventure.

We always spend Halloween at our church's Fall Festival which I thought was a fun, safe environment for toddlers but a friend of, mine who shall remain nameless, said that I was depriving my children of the true fun of Halloween. Well I couldn't have that on my conscience so off we went. I must say that we truly had a good time despite my lack of interest in the ghoulish holiday.



Ian as Venom



In case you couldn't tell...evan was a ninja like his buddy Harrison. Neither of the boys would wear their masks. Kind of defeated the purpose of dressing up if you ask me!



All the boys before we hit the streets



This neighborhood went all out for Halloween. I've never seen anything like it.



Waiting patiently to fill their bags with candy



Evan checking out the surroundings


They weren't too sure about this house. It had blood and scary music and accessories...whoa!



Sooo excited!

~Shanita~

Happy Anniversary

It's been 9 wonderful years but it feels like only months! I wouldn't change a thing. Ok, maybe I'd add a few million to our bank account ! I'm blessed to have you as my husband. You are a wonderful husband and father. I guess I'll keep you around for a while as long as you'll have me. Love you to the moon and back!


Year 1




Year 3



Year 5



Year 7



Year 9




~Shanita~

Why I Love Kansas City

We are on vacation in Grandview MO, a suburb of Kansas City, visiting my hubbies family.  I love it here for a plethora of reasons.  I’m sure you're dying to hear them so here they go…
1. Being around family.  I love teaching the boys about relationships.  Grandma, grandpa, cousins, aunts, uncles, great grandma, great uncle, etc.  I think it makes them feel a part of something big.  At home, it’s just our family of four and honestly it can be a bit lonely so I getting to see extended family is a treat. This trip alone we got to see Great Grandma Lofton, Uncle Ken, & Cousin Quin (my 7mth old great step-nephew who we met for the first time). The Lofton’s are a touchy feely group and I’m almost getting used to it :-) They hug and touch and say I love you!  Sooo different from my family!
2. Being Spoiled.  I don’t have to cook (not that I do that at home anyway).  But my family is fed without any effort on my part.  I wake up to bacon, eggs and biscuits and lunch and dinner are usually taken care of too.  Just when I start to think… “Hmmm, I think I’m getting hungry”  … food magically appears.  It’s amazing!
3. Kid Vacation.  Grandpa and Grandma are both up early in the mornings and they make breakfast for the boys and keep them entertained while I get to sleep in!  Grandma wakes up at 2am to direct Ian to the potty and put him back to bed so we get to sleep through the night undisturbed.  Cousin Kevan and uncle Anthony play video games with the boys and wrestle with them while I get to play on the internet or read on my Nook.  Grandma sits with the boys at the restaurants and cuts the chicken tenders and spreads the ketchup and even helps Ian eat his salad (which is always a messy adventure), and I get to eat in peace. 
4. The toiletries.  I love the soap and the toilet paper that my in-laws use.  I keep forgetting to ask what kind it is and I go back to Texas and sniff all the soap at Wal-Mart trying to remember the scent only to buy 12 bars of the wrong kind of soap.  And the toilet tissue is amazing.  It is super thick and you only have to use 6-8 squares to get the job done. Not to mention the Curel lotion and Aquafresh toothpaste.  We usually buy whatever toiletries that are on sale and pretend we are using the high end stuff! They also have super plush, extra large towels that are nothing like the clearance Target towels filling our linen closet. After reading this I realize that we probably need to stop being so cheap and buy nicer lotion and such since I look forward to using my in-laws toiletries!
5. Listening to the Blasts from the Past.  I am amazed at how crazy not careful my husband was growing up.  Jumping hurdles over the sofa and busting out his front teeth.Throwing Chinese stars against the living room wall and,  ganging up with his brother to beat up his big sister.  I’m so glad I got the more refined sensible version of my hubby and I hope my boys don’t go through a not careful phase.  I’m believing that my boys will think before acting when it comes to all things dangerous!
Well, we are wrapping up our week long KC vacation and heading back home in the morning.  I hate to go but it’s time for the boys to get back into some kind of routine.  They have been bouncing off the walls!

10 Reasons Why I LOVE Summer!

1. The fruit is ripe and in season. All the fresh, juicy, sweet berries, and melons you can stand!
2. We don't have to wake up early to be anywhere.  Every morning is a morning to sleep in!
3. Daddy's home which means more family time.  I don't feel like a single parent!
4. The Honey-Do list actually gets done.
5. Family Vacations. What a perfect way to make family memories.
6. Swimming.  A perfect way to tire the boys out and stay cool in the hundred degree Texas weather.
7. Cook Outs.  Food just tastes better off the grill.  You can even eat outside and keep your kitchen clean.
8. Sunny Days just put you in a good mood.
9. Summer Dresses.  They are so feminine and flirty plus they keep you cool and hide a multitude of sins.
10. Being Outside.  Letting the boys outside to play instead of being trapped inside playing video games and getting a bad case of cabin fever!